Had a dream last night. Kind of wandered into it after it had started,as if I had missed the first 5 minutes of a movie,  and when I got there I saw myself at a museum where I was being welcomed with open arms. Apparently I had convinced the powers that be to let me spend the night in the museum. And it wasn't just any museum. One part of it looked like the Garden Court at the Met..and then it morphed into a Gilded Age mansion with shades of  a Tudor castle. Apparently all sorts of dramatic and historically important things had happened in the rooms. I was having lunch with a gentlemen who I recognized in my dream as a rock star in the museum word. He was elderly and courtly and kind and engaging and we were having a wonderful conversation. Then people sitting around us at different tables chimed in, asking questions and chatting and laughing.
Then I started my night in the museum.. I was totally trusted to do this. Even though the museum was rumored to be haunted, I didn't feel afraid..because from a few rooms over I heard the voice of another gentleman who reassured me with his presence while giving me space.  I went from room to room all night, with no restrictions and really no timetable..and  when I was done it was  morning.  I went outside through a dark green curtain and was on a   city street  that did and didn't look like any city street  I know. It was a misty morning and I had been up all night, but I wasn't exhausted, I was energized and happy and people were happy for me for what I had done.
Why was this such a good dream.. beyond the fact that exploring is one of my favorite things to do?
It was the sense of being embraced unconditionally. Welcomed and trusted and totally in sync with the people around me.  It was the sense of  freedom coexisting with  the sense of safety- I was on my own but knew someone was there with me in the next room.  It was sense of being valued. Everyone was happy to know be, be with me, and happy for me to succeed.
That's how I want my waking life to be. Things need to change.

M'am. Please Climb Down from the Tomb

Lakeview Cemetery is one of my favorite places on earth as  it will  also be afterward ( but that is a whole other story).

 If you come to visit me I will take you there;  you will not have a choice.  I also spend endless hours standing alone  among 100 year old monuments and wondering who had stood there before me?
 What did  they feel?  What did they wear?

What did they leave behind... both tangibly and in the ether?

And  what do they think of me, circa 2013 prowling around cell phone camera in hand,  trying not to fall over the 19th century grave markers while looking up at the tops of the sculptures  framed against the sky?

I  am also  more than a  bit obsessed about the statuary, more pointedly, the models for the statuary.  All these are loved monuments  to loved ones, legacies and families...but what do we know about the stories and people behind the statues?
I've become quite attached to many of them and consider them my friends.

Friday afternoon was windy and cool, so it was a perfect day for a visit. Ended up in the section where this friend has been keeping  watching since the 1800's.

The light was interesting so I went to take a closer look  and noticed  something I had never seen before.

 The hand reminded me of a  living friends hand!
 A male friend.
oh!

Stay with me, because this is relevant. This is probably a lesser known but absolutely gorgeous John Singer Sargent painting that currently hangs at the Clark Institute.

and also in my dining room

There is some speculation that the woman in the picture is really a man, possibly even the artist himself.

Could be a million reasons for this..Sargent was notoriously private.

Ok..back to Lakeview, I started to move around the statue, looking more closely, and it just stared back at me, holding onto its story..but I think also wanting me to know it. I am sure of it. There was a docent with a tour nearby, and while I very much wanted to crawl up onto the base to really look at the face I envisioned being told

"M'am. please climb down from the tomb"

But not today..I am armed with my camera, my best climbing shoes, and a mission.

Stay tuned for what I discover.
Happy Sunday!

Feeling my Equal Rights for All Oats This Weekend

If I saw  COLOR  before I saw the person and decided they were not for me....

I would never have gotten to go to Stonewall Inn and  Maries’s Crises all  in one night.

 I would never have front row seats at shows, after fabulous dinners  

I would never have been  a Lady of Honor in a  wedding at the Waldorf.

I would be missing out on  friends who always know when to comment on how the color of my eyes match the color of my outfit.

I would   never learn  that a true friend is one who crosses  town in a blizzard because making it to a favorite aunts wake is really important.

I would never know the  person who took better care of my parents than I did, and who will always be  a sister to me.

I would have had to go the  hospital alone  the day my mother died if a  dear friend with an African name  hadn’t insisted on driving me, and when the doctor asked if she was family she said YES and that was that.

I would have been alone at the hospital the day  my father was dying if his first client hadn’t come to sit with me, because “Mr Reardon always took care of me and I’m gonna take care of you”.

I would still  be stranded downtown after the Megabus got in from Chicago at 1:00  am because no one was willing to come pick me up at that hour.

I would always be worried about my cat when I go out of town. Instead, I worry that he will get so much love he will be sorry I am back.

I would have been wandering the Cape for hours by myself in search of a yarn store.

Who would I discuss   The Golden Girls and Will and Grace with?

You  realize  I am using  the word “color” to mean the literal  color of a person’s skin as well as the figurative  color of the flag that represents them, right? If iit's a clunky analogy it is because its so obvious  in my head I may not be putting it into words well.

If I saw COLOR  before I saw  people I would be missing  out on a bunch of them..wonderful people who I would be lost without. People I have joyful times with, and people  who haven’t  been too tired, too busy,  too whatever.. .when I have needed them  most.

So when it comes  to equal rights for all   this straight white girl does have a horse in the  race because if it effects people I cherish it effects  me.  

You don’t want to mess with me when I have a cause.

To Flee or Not to Flee or The Vicious Circle

Due to job related  circumstances beyond my control (  decent money/close to home/  even  a  tad of satisfaction  thrown in every so often ) two night a weeks I am forced to eat  "dinner" at 4:45 pm. Now this would be fine if I was named Lillian  and lived in Boca, but I am more of a Dinner at 8 girl. Every day I struggle with the question.. Should I bring leftovers  from home and  partake in  our  aqua and orange circa 1982 staff room?

 Or, should I hit the open road and travel to Whole Foods, which is 5-7 minutes away, depending on traffic?  Then I think..all the studies say its good to get out in the course of a work day...and it is not going to rain  today ..and I  imagine the impending  "conversations" (I use the term loosely since its mostly just talking, but that is a whole other post)  in the above mentioned aqua/orange room..and I realize I need

cat food (see above) and the decision is made.
 Of course I will end up spending $50 on a handful of things none of which are necessary, except for the cat food of course.


And that is why I  can't take the hypothetical dream job at some fledgling  but amazing arts organization that will only pay $20,000 a year but will be amazingly fulfilling and creative...
The circle is complete. 

I distinctly remember  the first time I said  the words " you could burst into flames and she wouldn't notice". It was sometime in the 90s, and it was  after work at the Roxy (yeah, really) and a co-worker was talking about someone who was always talking at  her, about herself. Of course the person talking to me was doing the same thing to me, so it was a total down the rabbit hole situation.